Matthew 5:38-42, 18:21-22

Linda Fernandes-Bailey
June 26, 2005

The Power of Forgiveness

            At the end of my ordination process during my last semester at Yale when I thought I was coming down the final stretch I experience something that completely knocked me off center. I was to go before the board of Deacons at my home church the place I was in-care…the place that had recognized my gifts for ministry at the beginning of my process. I was hoping this would just be a formality. My pastor was there and for the most part she had been supportive…we had many lunches together and she sent several cards affirming my call to ministry. I hadn’t heard from her in a while but I didn’t think anything of it. But as I walked into the room I could feel the tension…something just didn’t feel right. So, the group began to barrel questions at me and mostly it felt like they were looking for their answers mirrored back to them not mine. Some of the questions were presented in a mean spirited fashion and needless to say I did not come out of that meeting with a warm and fuzzy feeling. In fact it felt a bit like the inquisition and I thought at any minute someone might yell out “burn her…burn her!” I sat on it for a few days not really knowing what to do and then I called my polity professor and asked “Was this meeting suppose to go this way?” He advised me to contact the Committee on Ministry (which is the body that decides if I am fit for ministry) and make them aware. They advised me to talk this experience through with those spiritual mentors in my life that I trust...process it and then consider going back to my pastor and ask her why she let this happen. WHAT? In the mean time I receive a mean spirited letter from this committee that they had sent to the Committee on Ministry basically saying they can’t believe I am a candidate for ministry but passed me through out of respect for the former board of Deacons that endorsed me in the first place. Well after all I had been through preparing for ministry I was furious when I received this letter! I continued contact with the Committee on ministry who did support me through this but yet gave some advise I didn’t find helpful and it was the opposite advise of my mentors I had consulted. What was I to do? My mentors were telling me wipe the dust off your feet and move on…don’t go back for conversation you will set yourself up to be wounded again. I soon realized that under my rage was deep hurt and disappointment. I had been betrayed by my pastor someone I had trusted and confided in. I cried a lot and talked about it to the people I trusted and prayed a lot. What was I to do?

            I share this story because what it made me explore ultimately is forgiveness. What exactly is forgiveness? What is expected of me as a Christian? What does scripture say? So I began my journey of forgiveness. Much of what I had to understand was what forgiveness is not and how we misunderstand what forgiveness looks like sometimes. Forgiveness is a process it doesn’t happen overnight and we continue the journey throughout our life.  Part of that was offering a class and then a book study on forgiveness. Both helped inform my thinking about forgiveness. But I am particularly grateful to Flora Slosson Wuellner who wrote the book “Forgiveness, the Passionate Journey” Much of what I share with you today I learned through that book. Her writing was a balm to my wound.

            If you grew up in the church or are familiar with scripture both scripture lessons are probably familiar to you. If you didn’t you are probably at least familiar with the expression “Turn the other cheek” So we have one scripture that tells us forgive “seven times seventy times” or basically as often as necessary and the other that says “Do not resist an evil doer but if someone strikes you on the right cheek turn the other cheek.” I think we have long miss understood both to mean that we are to be a door mat for whoever offends us. It actually means quite the opposite. It is helpful and important to understand the time period and culture in which scripture is written. In regards to Matthew 5:38 about turning the other cheek, biblical scholar “Walter Wink tells us that the verse speaks specifically of being struck on the right cheek. In the cultures of the East, the right hand was the clean, honored hand used for eating, greeting friends , or fighting an enemy you considered your worthy equal. The left hand was for unclean tasks, including striking an inferior. Now, the only way to hit someone on the right cheek was either by using the left hand (an insult) or the back of the right hand, also a sign of contempt. Therefore, to turn the other cheek, the left one in this case, challenged the one who had struck to use the palm of the right hand. This gesture was a quiet, nonviolent but powerful way to remind one’s insulter of one’s dignity and equality in the face of the deliberate insult.”[1]To turn the other cheek ultimately means we respond from a place of power grounded in self worth and a willingness to learn and grow. Jesus spoke the truth in love and others often did not like or understand what he was saying but he stood firm. In our own lives it might mean that when someone offends us we clearly communicate exactly how we feel when they offend us. We do not let them abuse us without standing firm lest we become a victim.

            Another way we misunderstand forgiveness is we seem to always connect it with reconciliation. But there are two different kinds of forgiveness. In one we release the offender from our resentment and plotting retaliation but a restored relationship is not possible. The second is when reconciliation is possible. BUT reconciliation means a total changing of the relationship. It means that the offender has acknowledged the harm done, seeks forgiveness and agrees to change thus allowing the relationship to be restored. Reconciliation is not always possible and not always advisable as in the case of sexual abuse it is not necessarily healthy to be having lunch with your offender. There are people in our lives in which the healthiest thing to do is to forgive for our own sake but then have very firm boundaries around what the relationship with them will be. If the other person can not even own up to the offense reconciliation is not possible. But forgiveness is because forgiveness is about release and letting go and freeing ourselves and not allowing that person to continue to control our emotions.

The next mistake I think we make is trying to forgive too soon. We have a tendency to want to make being a Christian about being nice and fluffing over things. But I’m sorry my friends that is not how it works.  It is hard work! We need to struggle with our feelings and understand them. Before we can forgive and let go, FIRST we have to name the offense. I think it is always good to talk to someone else about it and sometimes it might be best to talk to our pastor or a therapist because some hurts are so deep it goes beyond what a friend might be able to understand. Often saying it out loud helps us to name the offense and brings understanding to our hurt. We need to make a space for and feel our feelings and this takes time. We need to be careful not to rush into forgiveness. Anger is a normal response to being hurt and often we label anger as a bad emotion…an un-Christian emotion. BUT… It is a human emotion…an emotion that Jesus himself experienced! It is not the anger that is bad it is what we do with it that can be dangerous. It is important to acknowledge it and talk about it with someone. When we scream and yell or use physical force to retaliate is not constructive or healthy and will not result in healing! We need to give our self time when working through emotions due to a hurt inflicted on us because when we try to forgive too soon real healing can not take place.

            It’s interesting to me that two magazines that I picked up this week had articles in them about forgiveness! Mostly what they say is that forgiveness is good for our health. When we hold onto our un-forgiveness and relive over and over the hurt and plot revenge our blood pressure actually rises! Jesus is often called the wise counselor because what he preaches is good for us! We seek forgiveness because it is good for our health …it is good for our heart…it is good for our soul. We seek forgiveness because we follow a forgiving God. We seek forgiveness so that we might have the same heart and mind as Jesus. We seek forgiveness because we are first loved and forgiven. We forgive so we can live into the image in which we are created.

After one of the classes I lead on forgiveness a woman from the class came into my office and said “I need to share a story with you.” Now she didn’t much like the class in fact most of us didn’t. But she often came in grumbling. There was a situation in her family in which she was estranged from her sister. It had to do with religious differences and different ways of living but that is not that important. One day she gets a call from her sister. Her niece (Her sister’s daughter) had become pregnant and left home not telling anyone where she went (she was an adult so it was not a run away situation) her family was very conservative and she was afraid so she ran. Needless to say the mother was worried sick. Well once my friend heard her sister’s frantic voice her heart opened wide and all her anger melted away. It was a conversation of two mothers who knew how deeply they love their children. They both knew in the end the prodical daughter would be welcomed back because of this deep love. My friend was invited into the family crisis to help and once the niece was located she acted as an objective mediator between her and her parents.  Somehow God had worked through this family. Forgiveness was a gift of this family crisis. Somehow my friend was able to open her heart wide. Perhaps the seeds of forgiveness were planted in a class she found annoying! With tears in her eyes she shared her story…she was surprised …she had seen the face of God. The impossible became possible. One of the things that Flora Slosson Wuellner says is “Forgiveness is not our power but God’s power flowing through us…we do not create forgiveness. It already exists.” When we finally come to forgiveness we will be given compassion. It will surprise us. We may even come to the point where we can see the wounds of the one who wounds us…because everyone who hurts others has been hurt. It does not in any way excuse their behavior or mean they do not have to repent. BUT remember we all have the capacity to hurt others.

            The most important thing we can do when we need to forgive someone is to go to God. Go to God and be honest with everything you are thinking and feeling and ask for God’s guidance and help. Ask that you might be open to forgiveness…and if you are not ready tell God that. This I promise… you will be held in the heart of God. You are not alone…God’s power WILL flow through you.

            As for me and my story it was a long hard journey. I had to work through many feelings. It took a lot of time…it did not happen over night. The pastor resigned and I was made to go before the deacons again in a gesture towards reconciliation.  In the end I opted for the first kind of forgiveness…I let go and released all involved into God’s care. I came to believe after much prayer and discernment that this was the healthiest thing I could do. I wiped the dust off my feet and moved on. Amen.